A Better Version Of Me
by LaraWinner
Summary: Everyone expected Adrien to be a basket-case. He had reasons. What were Marinette's reasons? She had a family he envied. She had friends that were the best. She was the most well adjusted, up-beat and compassionate person he knew. Obviously, that was what she wanted the world to see. Adrien couldn't help but feel that he, of all people, should have seen through it.


A Better Version of Me

By: Lara Winner

DISCLAIMER: Don't own 'em.

* * *

Adrien didn't notice Marinette was not in class that day. Unlike secondary school, in lycee she didn't sit behind him for the better part of the day. They did share a few classes but her absence it didn't really cross his mind.

He didn't notice she wasn't there the next day either.

It was the third morning, just before the first bell, when Nino arrived looking like he hadn't slept at all the night before, that Adrien finally noticed something was wrong. The initial rush of concern turned into a sinking feeling of alarm when he took in Alya's strained expression and red rimmed eyes as she huddled into Nino's side looking utterly defeated.

Alya was not the kind of girl to get defeated by anything.

Nino gave him a half-hearted wave as they passed but shook his head in warning and mouthed "later" before Adrien could even begin to voice the questions suddenly tripping over themselves in his brain. That was when he looked for Marinette, to see if she knew what was going on. Only she was nowhere to be seen.

Weird.

But now that he thought about it, she hadn't been at school yesterday either, had she?

In fact, Marinette had been missing school pretty regularly these days. He filed it away as another question to ask Nino about later. For now he would bide his time until he could get Nino alone and then get his bestie to sing like a bird.

Still, Adrien spent most of first and second period drowning in worried curiosity over what could possibly be going on. It didn't seem like Nino and Alya were fighting, they wouldn't have been cuddled together if they were. Alya was notorious for giving Nino the cold shoulder until they made up.

So if it wasn't relationship problems then maybe it was something in Alya's home life? She had looked really distraught... Maybe her parents had a falling out? Or maybe something happened to one of her sisters? He really hoped not, that would be horrible.

On his way to fourth period Adrien finally got a clue as to what was going on.

"Did you hear about Marinette?" he heard Sabrina ask.

Catching his friend's name Adrien paused, quickly stepping to the side so he could hear more.

Sabrina stood next to Chloe, frowning as she tried to balance Chloe's books as well as her own as the blond continued rummaging through her locker.

"Why do you think I would care about _her_?" Chloe shot back.

"Well, for the last three days she's been in the psych ward at Divine Mercy Hospital. Apparently she tried to kill herself."

Adrien stopped breathing.

Chloe eyed Sabrina suspiciously. "Are you serious?"

"I overheard my Dad talking about it last night. She's on suicide watch and they have her sedated," Sabrina replied thoughtfully, her frown deepening. "Why.. would she... do that?"

"Obviously she's crazy. Besides that, who knows. Probably did it for attention," Chloe huffed, "I mean, if she really wanted to die then she'd have done it right the first time. Then again, I'm really not surprised she screwed that up too." As if to punctuate her cruel words, Chloe slammed her locker shut and sauntered off not waiting for Sabrina to follow.

Adrien, however, couldn't bring himself to move. He couldn't have heard right. It had to be a joke. A really sick, fucked up joke. Because Marinette… she wouldn't… she was her usual happy self… right?

A cold sweat broke out over his skin.

If she was having issues she would have talked to someone. Her parents, they doted on her. Alya and Nino, they had her back without a doubt. She could have talked to him. He would have listened. He would have been there.

Why? She wasn't alone. She had people who cared.

His stomach churned violently.

Three days.

He didn't even notice she was gone.

Adrien barely made it to the restroom before he threw up.

* * *

Marinette pretended to sleep.

It was cowardly, she knew, but no more cowardly than dragging a razor up her wrists.

She didn't move as her mother petted her hair. She didn't respond when her father talked to her, his voice cracking as the tears kept leaking out of his eyes.

She couldn't look at them; if she did the guilt would eat her alive.

They kept apologizing and kept shouldering the blame; stuttering and whispering "I'm sorry" in between the tears and "I love you". And she thought that might be the worst part; listening to them tear themselves apart over her malfunction.

I was her fault.

She was the problem.

Only, she didn't know how to explain? Or where to even begin. Because this wasn't about them. They had done nothing wrong. She loved them dearly. It was never her intention to hurt them.

If only they hadn't come home early…

But even after taking off her miraculous, Marinette was too lucky to off herself once she finally worked up the nerve to try. But it should have been done. She shouldn't exist anymore. Everyone should be beginning the healing process and moving on, putting her and her hot mess problems behind them.

But no. She was still here. Still feeling too much. Still hurting those she loved because of her inability to cope with fucking reality.

So she pretended to sleep.

Because she was too lucky to be dead.

* * *

By lunchtime half the school knew about Marinette's condition.

Condition? What the fuck? Because she was at her lowest point and made a drastic decision suddenly it was a disease that was contagious?

Adrien paced back and forth, agitation rolling off him in waves.

"Dude, sit down. You're making me dizzy," Nino sighed.

Adrien glanced over at Alya, watching as she talked to Rose and Juleka. She seemed just as anxious as he felt, her hands going a mile a minute as she talked while Juleka gave her a side hug in support. Rose couldn't seem to stop crying and kept wiping her eyes.

Adrien swallowed hard. "I can't. I need to move."

Nino didn't reply as he went back to staring at the concrete.

The one word he kept hearing on everyone's lips was why.

Adrien knew that the why of it was probably the easiest part to understand, if you'd been there. And he'd been there, more times than he liked to admit.

After the defeat of Hawkmoth at the hands of Ladybug and Chat Noir, it was a goddamn media circus when the masked villain was discovered to be none other than fashion icon Gabriel Agreste. The public didn't know the crucial role Adrien had played in bringing his father to justice. Instead he was portrayed as the victim and in the two years since that label still stuck.

No one had ever blamed Adrien Agreste for his father's actions.

That didn't mean Adrien hadn't blamed himself.

The first few months after the 'unfortunate incident' were a complete shit show. The tempting call of oblivion had been a near constant whisper in his ear, especially when the stress had been at its' worst. And loneliness…

Fuck! The loneliness and been pure torture.

As soon as he turned sixteen his lawyers had filed for emancipation. It was required that he attend a court mandated number of therapy sessions before the process could be finalized. He hadn't known then how much of a life line it would become.

Even though he couldn't talk about moonlighting as Chat Noir there was never a shortage of issues to examine as Adrien Agreste.

Everyone expected Adrien to be a basket-case. He had reasons.

What were Marinette's reasons?

She had a family he envied. She had friends that were the best. She was the most well adjusted, up-beat and compassionate person he knew.

Obviously, that was what she wanted the world to see.

Adrien couldn't help but feel that he, of all people, should have seen through it. Now he was left wondering if he'd ever really seen Marinette at all.

* * *

It was a relief when her parents went home for the evening. She could finally stop pretending. Honestly, she was tired.

So fucking tired…

Marinette opened her eyes, blinking against the soft glow of the television in her otherwise darkened room, and stared up at the ceiling.

Was it possible to be loved too much? Was that even a thing? Normal people wanted to be loved. Some people wanted it more than anything else. Craved it like a damn drug. She'd fought enough broken-hearted akumas to know.

So why couldn't she be normal? Why wasn't being loved and accepted enough?

It wasn't fair that all the love in the world couldn't save her from herself?

As if to mock her, on the television an image of Ladybug smirked back at her; confident to the point of arrogance and flawless as ever. Like a queen surveying a kingdom of gullible sycophants.

Marinette screwed her eyes shut but it was too late. The image, the lie, was branded on the back of her eyelids, taunting her.

The lie. That was all that people could see. Even the people closest to her. They were all fooled.

As the tears came Marinette almost felt the urge to laugh. She didn't even try to stop the them now that there was no one around to see the ugly truth.

* * *

Alya: _Not allowing visitors yet. Just her parents. Text you when I know more._

Adrien growled, tossing his phone on the bed as he flopped down, dropping his head in his hands.

No one had any definite answers. Alya had been in touch with Marinette's parents but so far nothing much was being said or explained.

He just wanted to see her. For his own piece of mind.

Through the corner of his eye Adrien could see Plagg pawing at his phone.

"Why aren't we going?" the kwami asked.

"You read it. No visitors," he snapped in frustration.

"And?"

"And we wait."

Plagg floated into his line of vision, his large green eyes narrowed mischievously. "Since when do we follow the rules?"

The cocky furball had a point.

Adrien smiled grimly. "Plagg, claws out!"

* * *

In the four years since since they had been gifted with their miraculouses, Chat Noir had become a master at stealth. Marinette wasn't sure how long he'd been watching her by the time she actually realized the he was there, leaning beside the partially open window with his arms folded.

He was so still she wasn't even sure he was breathing. He didn't blink as he stared her down with unnerving intensity.

She flinched, her gaze skittering away.

After long moment of heavy silence she heard him sigh.

"Not gonna lie, Princess, I didn't want to believe it when I heard you were here," he admitted softly. There was accusation in his tone and censure, subtle though it was, and it stung terribly.

Evidence of her shame began to leak once more from her eyes, dripping into her already damp hair and sodden pillow.

"Since you knew where to find me then I guess you know why I'm here?" It wasn't really a question and she hated the way her voice trembled.

"I didn't want to believe that part either."

Damn him! She couldn't do this, not right now. Not with Chat. Anger, born out of desperation and the inability to physically remove herself from the situation, clamped like a vice around her heart. There were so many things she wanted to say, illusions she wanted to shatter, and the poisonous words danced on the tip of her tongue, daring her to lash out and widen the emotional chasm between them even more.

By the hardest, she refrained.

"What do you want me to say? I fucked up. I'm still here. It is what it is."

"Bullshit!" he bristled, his tail lashing about his legs angrily. "It didn't have to come to this. There are a thousand other options out there. Your life shouldn't be over yet. It's just beginning."

Was Chat Noir… crying?

Marinette didn't think he was close enough to her civilian self to warrant the tears that were slipping from beneath his mask. But then Chat was always the one to put victims and bystanders first. He was soft-hearted. He cared about everyone and it made him an excellent hero.

So much better than Ladybug, who only helped people to feed her own validation and find some sense of purpose beyond fucking everything up.

Would Chat still care enough to be upset if he knew the truth? That his perfect fucking partner was actually selfish and horrid and didn't deserve his tears or his compassion.

A sob caught in her throat and Marinette tried to wipe at her eyes but the thick bandages around her wrists didn't allow for flexibility and the best she could manage was to swipe awkwardly at her face.

"Please go," she begged pathetically. "I need to be alone right now."

"Not a chance."

"Please."

To make his point he stalked forward stubbornly and took a seat in the chair at her bedside, making himself comfortable as he re-folded his arms and crossed his ankles. Only Chat could look so somber yet self-satisfied at the same time.

Fucking ornery cat.

The anger returned, hot and nasty and Marinette gnashed her teeth against the desire lay it all on the line and completely destroy everything.

"Why do you even care?" she snapped, closing her eyes as if that alone had the power to make him go away. "Don't you have somewhere else you need be right now?"

"Not really," he replied gently, 'But even if I did I would make time for you, Mari."

She truly didn't deserve him, as a friend or a partner.

"Sometimes you can't save everyone," she whispered bitterly.

"As my Lady would say…" she could practically hear his smirk, "Watch me."

* * *

Adrien left the hospital with barely enough time to stop at his flat, change clothes, feed Plagg and make it to school just as the final bell rang.

He hadn't gotten a wink of sleep watching over Marinette. Then again, he wouldn't have slept at his apartment either, so he felt it was better to spend the time productively by making sure she was hanging in there. Even if she did ignore his presence until she fell into a deep, medicated sleep.

His vigil didn't go over well with the nursing staff, if the stern glares and disapproving frowns were anything to go by, but no one forced him to leave. It was one of the many perks of being a superhero and for once he didn't hesitate to use it to his advantage.

Adrien stifled a yawn, slumping forward in his seat as Alya filled in everyone at their lunch table about the latest update with Marinette.

"They think the problem was with Mari's anxiety medication. Apprenty two possible side effects are suicidal thoughts and tendencies," Alya explained, glowering down at her yoghurt and stabbing it with her spoon as if it had personally offended her. "It could take weeks for the medicine to completely leave her system so they're keeping her under observation for now."

"I didn't know she was on medication," Rose said.

Alya nodded. "She gets really bad panic attacks. That's why she'd been missing so much school, especially this past year. They've gotten worse."

Adrien frowned at his friends. He hadn't known about that. At all.

Alya pushed her yogurt away, not even taking a bite. "Depending on how she does tonight they may start allowing visitors tomorrow. No large groups though, one or two at a time for now."

"I talked to Luka last night and told him about what happened," Juleka spoke up, peeking out from behind her hair. "He didn't take it well." She fiddled with the cap to her bottle of water as she asked, "Even though it's been like five months... do you think this happened because they broke up?"

"I don't think so," Alya replied. "It's not like Mari and Luka split on bad terms and she was mostly back to her normal self. Her dad mentioned that the doctor suspects she has some kind post-traumatic stress disorder. The problem is I've been wracking my brain over and over but I can't think of anything really traumatic that would have affected her like that."

Adrien could think of something. He could sum it up in one word, too.

"Hawkmoth," he muttered, entering the conversation for the first time.

Nino gave him the look. "Nah bro. Don't even go there, okay."

But the more Adrien thought about the queasier he became. "It makes sense. The son-of-a-bitch targeted our school all the time. Toward the end those attacks had gotten down right lethal. We were all caught up in it. It's possible Mari may still affected by it."

"He has a valid theory," Alya pointed out reluctantly.

"Half the population of Paris is still in some form of therapy because of my psychopath father. Myself included." Adrien looked around the table, his guilt intensifying.

"But even before the akuma attacks Marinette was always a nervous ball of energy," Rose countered, "Maybe she just has anxiety issues. It's hardly uncommon." She reached over giving his shoulder a supportive squeeze.

Adrien blinked against the sudden moisture that burned his eyes. His friends were too good, too forgiving. They deserved better from him in return.

Marinette deserved better.

* * *

It was hard to anticipate a panic attack when you couldn't identify a specific trigger.

Marinette imagined it was a lot like playing russian roulette. Some days she knew exactly what caused her throat to close up as her heart tried to beat its way out of her chest even as her head filled with enough white noise to block out everything. But other times it just happened, for no reason at all. In the blink of an eye she felt like she was dying; because there was never enough air and her body was beyond her control.

Sometimes she wondered if her own body was the enemy.

The worst was when it woke her from sleep. She was unprepared, disoriented and it made the fear all that much more consuming when she couldn't tell if she was awake or dreaming.

That was when she would start screaming in outright terror.

Awareness always came back in degrees. It would start with her thoughts becoming more coherent. Then her lungs would begin to suck in precious oxygen. She would notice sounds, sometimes taste blood if she'd bitten her lip or tongue, and then last would be taking in her surroundings as her brain kicked back in gear. But her frantic heartbeat wouldn't slow, not until much later, and by then her chest would hurt.

Anxiety was hell. It seemed no matter what she did, no matter how much medicine she took, the anxiousness wouldn't go away. On a good day it lingered in back of her mind, just a vague undercurrent to her thoughts and a mild jitter in her stomach. But on bad days…

On bad days, Marinette fought against her own body, locked in a war with her feelings and the reactions they triggered.

On really bad days she questioned how much more she could take.

On the worst day she'd had so far she made a choice; because anything, even hell itself, had to be better than living through this.

* * *

Adrien felt weird being in Marinette's bedroom without her there.

When Alya received a text from Sabine asking her to bring a few things to the hospital for Marinette she'd perked up, finally being able to do something proactive instead of waiting for updates. Nino had to go directly home from school so Adrien offered to accompany her.

Alya had let them in with a spare key hidden under the flower pot beside the front door. He didn't blame her for not wanting to come alone.

"Remember lavender body wash, okay." Alya's voice floated from the depths of Mari's closet.

"Lavender body wash. Got it." He called back. "Are we bringing her assignments too?"

"Yeah. I think her book bag is under her desk. Her textbooks and notebooks should be over there as well. I'll get the rest from her locker tomorrow."

Adrien began collecting Marinette's school supplies and packing them into her bag, glad to have a task with which to keep occupied. As he sorted through the loose papers and put them back into their designated folders he knocked a small wooden box to the floor.

Cursing under his breath, Adrien crouched down to retrieve it but nearly dropped it all over again when the case seemed to pulse in his palm. He stood carefully, the familiar designs on the wood causing his breath to catch. He flipped open the lid, his eyes widening as he recognized it for what it was.

There was no mistaking a miraculous when he saw one.

"I didn't find her brush in the bathroom. Will you look around for it, please?"

Ladybug's earrings.

Marinette was…

"Adrien?"

His heart thumped painfully feeling an awful lot like it was being ripped in two.

No.

No no no no no…

This could not be happening.

"Adrien, are you okay?"

Adrien sucked in a sharp breath, quickly snapping the lid closed and slipping the wooden case into his pocket. He scrubbed at his eyes as his voice wavered horribly. "Uh.. yeah. Sorry, I zoned out. What did you ask me?"

Alya poked her head out of the closet, her expression faintly amused. "Hairbrush. Somewhere in here. Find it."

"Hairbrush..." He looked around helplessly, his thoughts refusing to make any kind of sense, the ache in his chest unbearable. "Right. On it."

"Hey, Adrien?"

The fondness in Alya's tone nearly made him wince. "Yeah?"

"She'll get through this and come back stronger than ever. You'll see."

He managed to nod because it was easier to agree even when the abandoned miraculous in his pocket was proof otherwise.

* * *

A.N.- I wanted to write a story that gets real and gritty. While the show is adorable, it's very fluffy and I wanted to try something different.

I also wanted to explore Marinette's self image here and how she perceives herself versus Ladybug. Marinette is a great character and she's strong in her own way, but she's not Ladybug's level of confident and suave all the time. So when Chat Noir says that he'll love whoever Ladybug really is yet is clearly not attracted to Marinette at all romantically… well I just have to play around with that here. On the flip side, Chat is more of the real Adrien which Mari is not into either. As they stand in the show, they don't love who the other really is, just what they want to see. And since I'm fairly certain the show is going to brush this under the rug and have everything work out perfectly once they know who the other is, that's not gonna happen in this fic.

I'm thinking 3-4 more chapters. We'll see.


End file.
